Reconciling Oneself

By Dan Snyder

I was 8 years old when I was told I was a "special baby" in that I was given a second chance. I had a prolapsed single-artery (two-vessel) umbilical cord that was not detected during delivery. When I was born in 1971, I was not breathing and did not have a pulse. I was taken to an area adjacent to the delivery room where I was resuscitated and subsequently spent a week on a ventilator in the NICU.

As an 8-year-old, I was devastated when I was told what had happened to me. I felt as though I was defective and struggled with how I viewed myself. I struggled with the knowledge that I was revived by mechanical means and kept alive on life support. Looking back, I truly believe this contributed to a lifelong struggle with a feeling of inadequacy. 

Growing up, I had frequent bouts of strep throat. I also had frequent feelings of weakness, dizziness and palpitations. I feel that some thought I was being lazy. I was also frequently anxious of having a heart attack, which led to OCD tendencies. 

In October 1995, after multiple bouts of strep throat, I was recommended to have my tonsils out. I was told I had an irregular heartbeat while under anesthesia and was monitored for 48 hours. 

It was at this point that I began to pursue meeting with a cardiologist. All tests were inconclusive. While my history was taken into account, it was considered more or less coincidence: an umbilical cord complication and defect that caused hypoxia and an adverse reaction to anesthesia. The somatic symptoms were dismissed as anxiety. I felt as if no one believed me.

Forward to 2019 when I underwent a gallbladder removal and umbilical hernia repair. I woke up in the post anesthesia care unit and was told my blood pressure had spiked, then dropped; I’d developed tachycardia (fast heart rhythm) during surgery and had undergone cardioversion, a procedure to restore my heart’s normal rhythm. This was not what I expected. Nor did I know what to make of this or how I even felt about it. 

I was referred back to a cardiologist. All of my beliefs were then confirmed. I was diagnosed as having atrial fibrillation. Further, an echocardiogram showed a patent foramen ovale (a hole or defect in the heart that didn't close the way it should after birth) with right-to-left shunt and a moderately dilated right ventricle and left atrium, as well as tricuspid valve thickening consistent with a pathological weakening of that valve. I was also diagnosed with deep vein thrombosis that may have resulted from the surgery. I actually was relieved, feeling vindicated there was an actual cause for these symptoms I had been dealing with all these years.

On Dec. 3, 2020, I drove myself to the emergency room with dizziness, chest pain and a massive migraine. I had an EKG and a CT scan. EKG results indicated a conduction delay, and the scan results showed a lacunar infarction, a stroke that occurs when blood flow to one of the small arteries deep within the brain becomes blocked. Two weeks later, I underwent both a transesophageal echocardiogram and a cardioversion at the cath lab. The patent foramen ovale was confirmed, and I was referred to undergo a closure. 

This past summer I received my Gore 25 mm cardioform device for transcatheter closure of heart defects. After all these years, I finally feel I am coming to terms with all I have experienced and am learning to appreciate my heart, rather than look at it as a defective device that led me to have all these negative feelings about myself. I’m grateful I have this opportunity. I guess I am finally learning to love myself.